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Setting Healthy Boundaries: The Good and Bad of Family Secrets

If you want a good look inside a dysfunctional family, the book of Genesis is an excellent place to start. I’m convinced that if the A&E network had been around back then, several of these families would have had their own reality TV shows!

It’s important for us to remember, however, that even with all the lies, deceit, adultery, and even murder, God was able to use all these profoundly messed up people! Whatever else might have plagued these families, their hearts remained devoted to God, and He was able to use that faith to build a might nation. There’s hope for all of us yet!

But while God can certainly overcome our sins to accomplish His eternal purposes, what about the quality of the lives we’re leading now? What can we do not only to serve God better, but serve each other better?

When our families stray from God’s plan, it’s not God that suffers…it’s us. With that in mind, let’s look at what we can do to align our families with what God wants for us, not what makes a good reality TV show plot.

Begin with Boundaries

Have you noticed something that the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo and all the other dysfunctional TV families have something in common? They have no boundaries. This is pretty obvious since they’ve invited TV cameras to live in their house, but these families were clearly struggling with the appropriate degree of openness before any cameras ever arrived.

Having open, honest relationships is important. We see in Genesis 27 a picture of deceit that literally tears a family apart for generations. But is total openness what we’re after? Not quite.

Setting the right boundaries for openness is a little bit like “The Three Bears.” Too much isn’t good. Everyone needs their degree of privacy and room to be an individual. Too little isn’t good either, as we see from Isaac’s family’s deception. It has to be “just right,” allowing the family members to trust one another while also allowing the individuals room to grow.

Good Family Secrets

Healthy families don’t share everything. There’s a healthy and appropriate amount of information that either remains private or is only shared on a limited basis. A good example is what happens at Christmas. Mom and Dad usually know what the gifts are for the kids, but if they’re doing Christmas right, they don’t know what presents they have for each other. And if the kids are older, they’ve “secretly” gotten some gifts for the parents. Without “secrets” much of the magic of Christmas would be lost.

There are secrets that aren't about fun and surprise though. Mom and Dad also have an obligation to “hide” certain knowledge that the kids may not be mature enough to process, or in many cases, have no ability to change. This would include things like financial crises, job woes, marital conflicts, and extended family issues. Sharing this kind of information “openly” would only offer fear and anxiety to those family members not equipped to deal with it.

We see this modeled for us by our Heavenly Father throughout the Bible. He certainly has knowledge that we either can’t understand or don’t have the power to affect. God doesn’t always give us all the details. What He does give us is clear instruction and the ability to totally trust Him, even when He withholds some of the information. So, it’s not all about total “openness” and “honesty.” There are appropriate times when wisdom dictates we keep some information “secret.”

Bad Family Secrets

Genesis 27 shows us the downside of “secrecy” though. Here we see three ways in which secrecy can negatively impact a family:

1. Not sharing plans that ought to be shared. There’s no good reason for Isaac not to share with the rest of the family his plans to bless Esau. Whether or not Rebekah and Jacob liked it or not, that was his privilege and Esau’s right. Isaac had a responsibility as the family leader to assert his right. By not doing so publicly, he opened up the opportunity for his authority to be challenged through deceit. You’ve heard it said, “Sunshine is the best disinfectant.” Indeed, nothing prevents deceitful and treacherous plots more effectively than clearly stated intentions.
2. Manipulation and stepping outside of a role. To put it bluntly, Isaac’s decision on who to bless was none of Rebekah’s business. Yes, as stated above, Isaac would have been wise to have discussed this decision beforehand (perhaps even inviting his wife’s input), but the fact remains this was his decision as father. Rebekah inserted herself into a role that wasn’t hers, and she did so in a way to get the result she wanted. So not only do healthy boundaries need to be asserted, they also need to be respected. Rebekah allowed her selfish desires to override this principle.
3. Not calling “foul” when the circumstance is beneficial. Rebekah was acting out of selfishness, but so was Jacob. And Jacob wasn’t some innocent child who got caught up in a parental conflict here. He was grown and able to speak for himself. As a male son, Jacob would have been completely in the right to have called out his mother’s deceptive plot. He could (and should have) put an end to it by simply not participating. This kind of “triangling” behavior is common in family boundary disputes, and when it’s a young child, sometimes they feel pressure to go along with the parent who’s violating boundaries. This doesn’t describe Jacob. He wanted the blessing as much or more than Rebekah wanted him to have it. He allowed himself to be a part of the manipulation.

The sobering lesson we all can take away from Genesis 27 is this: Failure to set and observe healthy family boundaries can have devastating consequences that go far beyond the moment. Far more than just a family blessing was lost that day. A generational conflict was established and the pattern for even more boundary dysfunction was established. Jacob would go on to have his own dysfunctional family.

Again, because of the faith of this family, God was still able to use them for His purposes. But read the rest of Genesis and look at the suffering across generations that was set up because of this family’s inability to set and observe healthy boundaries.

Leftovers Again?

What's for dinner tonight? We're having leftover spaghetti and meatballs at the Corwin house, which should have everyone running to the table! If I'm being honest, they weren't that great the first time around, but they still get an encore. So what do leftover spaghetti and meatballs have to do with Cain and Abel?

As I prepared to write this week, I re-read the story in Genesis 4 and asked God to reveal new insights from a familiar narrative. There are many possible themes on which to latch: sibling rivalry, murder, atonement for sin, God's wrath. But God grabbed my attention with His response to the offerings presented by Cain and Abel. What did each brother offer? Why was one accepted and the other rejected? And how can I apply that to strengthening my relationship with my family? 

Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” (Genesis 2:4-7)

The riff between the brothers started when God rejected Cain's offering while accepting Abel's. Though we are not told specifically why God rejected it, there are implied possibilities. 

Because He Can?

God is sovereign and doesn't need a reason, but we also know Him to be a God of love and order, so I can't help but wonder. My first though was that it may have been because Cain offered a portion of his crops while Abel offered a blood sacrifice. We know that blood is the cost of sin, but these were offerings, or gifts, not sacrifices. 

Bad Attitude?

Might it have been the attitude with which each gift was made? Maybe the reason for the rejection is left out of the text because it was a reason known only to God and Cain. Maybe Cain brought the gift reluctantly or grudgingly -- without joy. Maybe that is the reason Cain's gift angered God.

Inferior Gift?

It might have been the quality of the gifts that distinguished them. No comment is made about the quality of Cain's gift, only referring to it as, "some of his crops." That description seems to condemn with faint praise, especially when compared to the description of Abel's gift, "the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock." 

We're given a little more to go on in Hebrews 11:4, "By faith Abel offered to God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained witness that he was righteous."

I think it was a combination of Cain's bad attitude or joyless heart which compelled him to give a lesser-quality gift to God. And God was angered by both.

I think Cain offered God his leftovers. 

We know we are to offer our best to God -- He deserves no less. I also know that a tremendous amount of conflict is caused when I give my leftovers to my family -- when I give less than my best to my husband and my daughter.

I'm ashamed to admit that I speak to my family in a tone and with words that I wouldn't use with a stranger. All day long -- at the coffee shop, the bank, in the office, in line at the supermarket -- I put a smile on my face, greeting strangers warmly and politely. Sometimes, by the time I get home, all I have to give is leftovers.

I snap at my daughter because the towels haven't been taken out of the drier and folded. I respond curtly when my husband welcomes me home and asks about my day. I've always struggled with a short temper, but I do a better job of controlling it around people I don't even know and casual acquaintances than I do with my own family. I come home tired, hungry, and easily agitated. My tank is on empty and I can't manage to muster anything of value to give to the people I love most.

The quality of my gift to them says a lot about the heart with which it is given, doesn't it? My husband and our marriage is second only to my relationship with Christ in importance. My husband deserves my best, given joyfully. And my daughter has been entrusted to me by God, who has charged us as her parents with the task of raising her to know Him and to become a strong woman of character herself. 

When I present them offerings that are not of the quality they deserve with a joyless heart, I risk rejection, which could come in a number of ways.

If I withhold my best from my husband, our marriage could suffer, or worse, fail. I could cause my husband to resent me and possibly even damage his relationship with God. Proverbs 21:19 reads, “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”

If I consistently give my leftovers to my daughter, she may rebel from the way we've tried to raise her. She may feel that her mother, who should be her strongest ally, is more of an antagonist. Proverbs 31:28 reads of children and their mother, “Her children arise up and call her blessed." 

If I give less than my best with a lack of joy, I can expect to be rejected. Cain, "became very angry," and God asked him why. 

God warned Cain (and us) in vs. 7, "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master."

As I walk in our front door this evening, I know sin will be crouching at door -- maybe more so there than anywhere else. My guard is down in my own home and the enemy hopes to take advantage of my fatigue, my hunger, my humanness to tempt me to offer an inferior gift to my family. But I must be on guard, or, "watch out!" as the Scripture warns.

I write this from the point of view of a woman, wife, and mother, because that's who I am. But we can all learn from it and how it applies to our relationships with members of our families and with others in the family of God -- our brothers and sisters in Christ!

I must give my best to God and to my family.

No more leftovers.