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How to Respond to Being Hurt

You've probably been there, to the Land of Hurt.  In relationships and professionally, I've experienced pain that's rocked me to my core. One minute everything is fine and the next, the rug is pulled out. People I trusted to have my back stick a knife there. They robbed me of my peace.

The resulting feelings are anger, sadness, betrayal, confusion. How could this have happened? How did I not see this coming? When will I ever know peace again?

When this happens to us (notice I didn't say "if") we have a choice to make: we can continue to live in the anger, sadness, betrayal and confusion, or we can forgive. Recovery from being hurt starts with that simple choice, but the process is by no means simple. It requires making that choice again and again going forward, to refuse to remain stuck in the swamp of unforgiveness. We have to choose to take back our peace.

How do we get there? 

Own the pain.

Especially for us guys, this can be a difficult first step. We have to admit we've been hurt. That means admitting we're vulnerable, that we have weaknesses. And that's okay. It's the risk we take to be connected with other people. No relationship comes with an iron-clad guarantee we're not going to get hurt.

Offer forgiveness.

When possible, we need to share the pain, too. That's the first step in forgiveness, letting the person who hurt us know the kind of harm they inflicted. This isn't to make them feel bad. It's to help them understand their choices can cause pain and they can take steps not to do that again. Offering forgiveness without letting the offender know how much pain they caused is only an invitation to a devastating cycle of hurt.

Know that offering forgiveness is not a pathway to some moment of magical repentance, tears and hugs and "everything is just like it was before." The person who hurt you may not be contrite, and even if that's the case, your relationship will never be like it was before.

In the best case scenario, you can plot out a new course for a reconciled relationship. That could be even better than the one you had...but it won't be the same.

Don't be a victim.

If we're honest with ourselves, a big reason we hold on to pain and fail to seek forgiveness is we like the results of being hurt. We like the sympathy. We like living to the lowered expectations because of our "injured" status. We like the ability to hold onto our "righteous" anger because we've been hurt. 

In doing so, it may feel like we're maintaining an artificial kind of control. The reality is we're giving it up...to the enemy.

There's nothing Satan loves more than an "injured" Christian. That person poses no threat to him. Faith is limited and so are relationships. That person has retreated into a shell. They live with continual anger and bitterness over being hurt and darn sure won't allow it to happen again.

Those are our choices. We can, like Christ, overcome the hurt, glorify God in our victory and use that experience as an avenue to reach others going through the same thing. 

Or we can hold on to the pain. We can remain weak, angry and afraid. 

You didn't choose to be hurt. Chances are you didn't deserve any of it. Neither did Jesus. He knows your pain.

Seek Him. Pray for His strength and patience. Pray for His healing. Pray for His guidance as you pursue peace with the one who hurt you. 

Advent Reflections

This advent season has been a special one for my wife and I.  If you our familiar with our story you would know we have waited a number of years for our family to fill out.  We were blessed beyond measure with Abbie in 2015 but still longed for another. On October 11th, 2017 we added our sweet Olivia to our flock and a rush of peace entered our hearts. Olivia's mere existence settled my heart in such a way where I felt I was really able to pay attention to the state of my soul and connect with the Lord in an unhurried fashion. We had our girls and all felt right in our world. 

So this Advent season I was intentional about working through an advent reading plan. For those curious, I used this book as a scripture and prayer guide to follow along with. I have always found it help to enter into someone else's written prayers to see what prayers may surface from my own heart.

One of the scriptures that has been churning in my heart all season long is Psalm 85:8-12 which reads: 

Ps 85:8   Let me hear what God the LORD will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his faithful, to those who turn to him in their hearts. 9 Surely his salvation is at hand for those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land.  

Ps 85:10    Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other. 11 Faithfulness will spring up from the ground, and righteousness will look down from the sky. 12 The LORD will give what is good, and our land will yield its increase.  NRSV

Verses 10 and 11 are absolutely captivating to me. There is a mystery here  that I think we need to pay attention to, at least I know I do. There is something beautiful about the union of these words that seems to unlock some of the mysteries of the Kingdom for me. 

Let's look at these verses a little bit more closely. What does it look like to have steadfast love fused with faithfulness? In my heart, it begins to paint a picture of commitment and covenant that far supersedes our flighty emotions but shows us a love that will remain regardless of our circumstances. It shows a love that we can actually trust. For me, love that I can trust is one of the most precious gifts I can receive - so a pretty big deal. 

Continuing on the psalmist writes, "righteousness and peace will kiss each other." Pause, and let you imagination wrap your mind around this picture. Kissing is very intimate action to incorporate here as the two words our intertwined with each other. So how/why are the concepts of righteousness and peace knit together?

The idea of righteousness can be broken down in simple terms as "right" living or holy living; meaning, we live in such a way that considers others first, where our words hold weight and kindness/sincerity mark our interactions with one another. We move towards others with grace, because we hold a deep awareness of God's love for us. It is with this type of "right" living that peace is able to overwhelm our hearts in an intimate way.  Personally, when I am peaceful I feel confident, secure, trusting and easy. I am not second guessing or looking over my shoulder - I am confident that the Lord is for me and with me. So our promise here is we would choose to live "rightly" in this world the gift our Father gives us is peace. 

As we think about what it means to Form our Character, I think we need to reimagine what righteousness is really all about. On the surface, Forming Character looks like we should do a whole list of things that we don't really want to do, but reluctantly do, because - well, we are Christians and all - so we should. This outlook paints the  Christian life as just being filled with drudgery and burdens. If we are stuck with this mindset, you missed the boat.  The fruit of faithfulness is covenantal love and the fruit of righteousness is peace. Both things our souls are desperate for!

My prayer for you as you enter into 2018 is for you to consider how well the ideas of faithfulness, covenantal love, righteousness and peace mark your life. There is a better way of living available to  each of as we embrace the values of the Kingdom